has shown that one to one online sessions offer many advantages
in comparison with face to face sessions and are as good if not
more effective than face to face sessions. Let us explore why.
- Working on line with support from email contact, written and
audio materials and telephone or Skype one to one sessions offers
several advantages. We work together independently of where you
live so you are able to benefit from my experience regardless
of travel and location.
can work at your own pace and for people who travel on business
then we can carry on our work without interruption.
- Costs and time given how we eliminate my overheads and reduce
cost and travel for you isn't an issue so you can work from the
comfort of your home and be totally focused without stress of
day time appointments and travel to and from a consulting room.
- Working online provides special advantages. Some people find
it easier to discuss issues without another person physically
present and feel comfortable in our work together from the very
first of our sessions.
- Working with material between our sessions online or downloaded
to your computer enables you to work at your OWN PACE and, as
the same time, feel more engaged and committed when you can read,
re-read and listen to materials focusing on key areas of our work
together. Then, with email support many people I have worked with
report how they found it so much easier to express lengthy or
complex ideas via writing them in an email knowing that they had
the time to finish the thought, review and with time and space
to hear back from me.
the very act of writing about one's experiences can itself provide
positive keys and our exchange of emails creates both a written
form to reflect back on as well as the process of journalling
ones thoughts for future reflection.
also provides me, as the counsellor, with time to reflect on thoughts,
feelings and other reactions to what has been written and exchanged.
my thirty five year career, specialising in loss, transition and
change, I have worked with people as they journey through the
natural, but crucial, stages of recovery following the end of
an important relationship.
You now have an opportunity to benefit from these
powerful insights in a series of sessions that focus on 'Rebuilding
When a Relationship Ends' - and all from the comfort of your home.
our supportive work together, we will go through a multiple stage
process, tailor made to your specific needs. These one to one
sessions will help you break free of your old patterns in order
to build a solid foundation for strong relationships in the future.
As you know, after a relationship ends you can either grow from
the experience or endlessly repeat a destructive pattern. My series
'Rebuilding When a Relationship Ends' will assist you in creating
a new future, free from the destructive habits of your past.
Of course not all relationships end when
a partner leaves; some will end when a partner dies. Rebuilding
needs to occur during all of these powerful life transitions.
You can explore how I work with people going through the natural
and all important grieving process after the death of a loved
one by following
this link to my dedicated website page.
YOU ARE NOT ALONE
the source of your loss, our sessions and support emails, online
recordings and written materials will help you discover that your
feelings are entirely normal, natural and experienced by many
people. You are not alone.
During our telephone sessions, you will discover the key stages
of what happens to us after a relationship ends and how we work
together to successfully navigate such stages.
stages are composed of three modules with each module comprising
a series of all important stages as part of the rebuilding process.
You can see the modules and stages below with Module of Phase
One beginning the process or recovery at the base then stages
of recovery leading to the final stages of freedom as a part of
phase or module three.
the online video recording
I work with you audio introduction and discussion with Steven
online sessions from the comfort of your home. I
have flexible hours to help suit your schedule with some evening
and weekend appointments available. Get the information and one
one one support you need without the high emotional and financial
cost of ending a relationship or, if you relationship has ended,
then the personal and financial cost of lengthy separation.
you are single or separated or thinking about ending your relationship
and want to learn to have better relationships, I can provide
the tools for rebuilding a life of freedom to decide what you
want in your future life either together with your partner or
as a single person.
Rebuilding When Your Relationship
Ends or is Ending
Recovering from the end of a relationship
is a powerful personal journey with one challenging step after
another. For most of us, it's a difficult journey - but the rewards
at the end are worth it!
Are you hurting? If you have recently ended or are considering
ending a relationship, you are. Those who appear not to hurt when
their relationships end have either already worked through a lot
of hurt, or have yet to feel the pain. So go ahead, acknowledge
that you're hurting. It's natural, expected, healthy, and even
okay to hurt. Pain is nature's way of telling us that something
in us needs to be healed, so let's get on with the healing.
There's an adjustment process after the ending of a relationship
- with a beginning, an end, and specific steps of learning along
the way. While you're feeling some of the pain, you're more anxious
to learn how to rebuild your future life. If you are like most
of us, you probably have had some destructive patterns of behaviour
for years - maybe since your childhood.
Change is hard work. While you were in a loving relationship you
might have been comfortable enough that you felt no need to change.
But now there is that pain. What do you do? Well, you can use
the pain as motivation to learn and to grow.
WE WORK TOGETHER
work with you in a number of ways:
via virtual online sessions either by phone or Skype. . .
which last for between one to one and a half hours
on a regular basis according to your needs which we establish
from our first exploratory online session (you will also complete
a detailed questionnaire before this session which will be sent
to you after you make initial contact.)
regular email support. . .
to continue progress and answer questions between
our sessions and a flexible session programme lasting from three
to six months or up to a year or more.
the focused use of online materials such
as written and audio recorded material
and video materials
on this page of my website are examples of each the crucial rebuilding
steps which are part of rebuilding a relationship when it is ending
or, if the relationship has ended, then rebuilding our future
life as a single person. You can both read the excerpts below
and listen to a sample of the full audio recordings to give you
an overview of how we work in a more detailed way. Once we begin
working together you are sent intensive and detailed written and
audio materials to prepare for our sessions together as we work
through each stage.
are three key modules or important phases we will be working on
which I term:
our initial discussion sessionwe will explore your needs and discover where you currently
are in regard to the rebuilding process.
Before we schedule this all important session I shall send you
a questionnaire to complete which
will guide you through the various stages so that we are clear
where you currently are on the rebuilding journey.
for a short summary of each of the various stages in rebuilding
to provide you with an overview.
ONE RECOVERY RE-BUILDING STAGE - ONE
- THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING!
ending a relationship and exploring rebuilding their lives people
are drawn from all backgrounds, some are male some female, some
are older some are younger and some wealthy and I mention this
because often people think that only those who are losers cannot
maintain a relationship.
Some people are ready for this first step whilst others are
still shocked by what has happened and cannot think beyond the
day before them. Many people in my groups told me how they were
waiting for their ex-partner to wake up, knock on the door and
tell them that it had all been a nasty dream.
It is natural for you to feel confused and disorientated with
even the simplest issue taking on untold demands and you are
feeling so unlike the person you used to be. Many people tell
me during this stage that :
" I feel dumfounded.
I honestly thought this would never happen to me."
In this initial stage you may be punishing yourself
with statements like " If only I had listened more; if only I hadn't
been so angry "
if only...if only and the list goes on.
Through this relationship you have learned a great deal about
life and about yourself and such insights are a tangible part
of who you are now and your awareness. Better to say 'I did
the best I could with what I knew and what I had to work with'
and such a statement you are starting to be who you really are.
is natural to feel extreme loneliness when a relationship ends.
Recovery can and will come from such pain if you listen and
allow this all important natural process to unfold so you can
grow through loneliness to the stage of aloneness where you
are comfortable being by yourself.
working with people and listening to those going through this
process as I have done in my thirty give year career I saw various
kinds of loneliness. There are the people who have withdrawn
into their cave and just peer out sullenly, looking very sad
and dejected. Then there are those who insist on being with
someone else, so they always are holding hands or following
somebody around. Then there are the busy people where they are
always doing this and that so they never have to face their
Loneliness is pain but in such pain we are being shown something
that we have to learn. Loneliness can be like a vacuum where
the person deals with this by sucking everyone around them in
to fill their void.
However, It is not just have been present at a time when they
have ended a relationship because for many it began in childhood
and may be a stumbling block for years to come in their life.
In our work together we explore all facets of your own process
so that you can move from loneliness to a balanced, positive
stage of aloneness enabling you to make decisions for YOUR future.
Naturally the adjustment process differs since
dumpers feel more guilt and dumpees feel more rejection.
Dumpers start their adjustment process while still in the relationship
but dumpees start adjusting later after the ending of the relationship.
For the mutuals
(those who jointly decide to end the relationship)
the adjustment process is somewhat easier.
At this point in our work t I am going to present
four key concepts that are very closely intertwined but also
I should point out that it may get confusing at times. We are
going to be viewing the two main people in the end of a relationship
drama as the dumper or the dumpee and we will be exploring the
nature of two very strong feelings which accompany the trauma
of relationship endings -
GUILT AND REJECTION
There are different groups of people at this
stage in the recovery process.
who walk around in shock, lying on the
ground trying to get their emotional wind back
those walking around looking
guilty and trying not to look at those
on the ground.
(3) then there are the others
who are walking
around holding hands with their former partner
work through various responses and associated feelings so that
you can deal with and let go of these powerful feelings of guilt
and rejection to embrace the next, all important, rebuilding
is a very important part of the process when a relationship
is ending or has ended and so you need to work through these
emotions in order to move on fully to the next stage. Here,
initially, we will intellectually explore the stages of grief
so that you become emotionally aware of grief process to enable
you to do the grieving that you have been afraid to embrace
and experience. We will work through this challenging process
in our one to one sessions.
We are now working with one of the most difficult and emotionally
draining aspects of the rebuilding process for whenever there
is loss of something important in our lives we suffer grief.
For death there is a set ritual with funeral, coffin and the
acceptance that grieving is important. In ending a relationship
there are no prescribed rituals other than a court hearing,
the packing up of a home and informing friends and family that
you are now single and so grief is often not acknowledged or
accepted and that the death of a relationship is also a powerful
cause for us to grieve.
Many forms of loss happen when a relationship ends which many
people grieve over. There is the loss of a future; the sharing
of a future as a couple, of love, of partner and lover and the
social status of being a couple and then there is the loss of
role both personally and within society and all that that communicates
both to us and those around us. So for many people the loss
of the relationship is as important as the loss of the partner.
will feel powerful rage when your relationship ends. Feeling
anger is a natural, healthy part of being human. However, anger
is different from aggression which is a destructive form of
It is not healthy to keep your anger locked up inside and neither
is it to expresses such anger aggressively. You can learn to
express both your anger over the ending of your relationship
along with everyday anger constructively.
Relationship anger is extreme rage, vindictiveness, and bitterness
which at times seems overpowering. It is a special kind of anger
that we usually have not experienced before and many of our
friends who are still in relationships do not understand it
either unless they have gone through the breakdown and end of
You may try to keep this anger inside and not express it and
this can result in reactive depression because one cause of
such intense sadness is anger not being expressed. The dumper
does not express it because he/she feels guilty and the dumpee
fears the other person will not come back so both are 'nice'
for a while, except that they feel a lot of intensely sad thoughts
Anger is expressed in violent ways many times. Many people,
given the opportunity while they are angriest, will commit an
act of violence. It is crucial at such times to be able to restrain
ourselves and find more suitable methods of expressing these
feelings of rage and vindictiveness. Also we can find more constructive
uses of anger than destroying ourselves with depression and
psychosomatic problems (headaches, body tension, ulcers, and
the like.) Also, since the fires of anger can spread to other
rebuilding stages, if we can work our way through this block,
we will have much less trouble handling the other all important
parts on our rebuilding journey.
ONE RECOVERY RE-BUILDING STAGE
- LETTING GO AND MOVING ON
it is now clear that your relationship has ended then you
now need to stop investing in your former relationship and
it is easier to let go if you realise your life is now full
rather than empty. Dumpers tend to let go more quickly, often
because they have let go even before they acted to 'dump'
their partner and leave the relationship. Failure to let go
may be a symptom that you are not facing some painful feelings
what is the definition of letting go? Imagine your hands clasped
together with the fingers intertwined, and then imagine pulling
those hands apart while you continue to clasp. That gives
you a graphic image of what we are talking about. It involves
the painful letting go of all the strong emotional feelings
for another person.
this stage in our work together we explore both the blocks
which may exist as well as examining those positive areas
where you have moved forward and let go of key elements of
your former relationship.
ONE RECOVERY RE-BUILDING STAGE
- SEVEN SELF CONCEPT
FEELING BAD TO KNOWING I AM WORTHY
is OK to feel good about yourself. Here we explore how you can
learn to feel better about yourself and gain strength to help
you adjust better to a crisis in your life. As you successfully
adjust to this crisis, you will feel even better about yourself.
For some people it as if they are experiencing a personal identify
crisis, you may be seriously creating strains on your current
relationship now with friends and also in the future.
" When I was a child, my father continually warned me
about getting a 'big head' and becoming 'stuck on myself. Then
I went to church and learned that I had been born sinful. At
school it was big boys and those with the brains who got all
the attention. Finally I married so there would be someone who
thought I was worthwhile. It made me feel good that someone
cared. But then she started to point out my faults to me. I
finally reached a point where I began to believe I was truly
worthless. It was then that I decided to leave the marriage."
Your self concept is the skeleton which support your personality.
Here we can see that when the self-concept becomes fractured,
the whole personality begins to fragment.
Apparently we learn much of how we feel about ourselves at an
early age from the significant people around us including our
parents as well as siblings, relatives and teachers. This basic
level of self-concept is later influenced by our peers especially
during our impressionable teenage years. As an adult your partner
becomes a primary source of validation and feedback and greatly
affects your feelings of self-worth.
However for many, until they realise this all important fact,
the paradox is that when the physical separation comes and the
relationship ends, self-concept hits an all-time low. When the
relationship fails the identity suffers.
support you receive from friends is very important and can shorten
the time it takes to adjust to both your current and future
life transitions. Friends are more valuable than your former
partner at this point in the rebuilding process. You can develop
friends of both sexes without becoming romantically or sexually
involved with them however we need to realise how the ending
a relationship is threatening to many who are in a relationship
so some friends may slip away from you at this point in time.
" Maria and I had lots of friends and family around
all the time. Most weekends we'd have dinner parties or go over
to her sister's place, or meet locally with two or three other
couples. Since we split up, none of those people ever call me
or drop by. How come married people don't seem to want us around
when we are single? " Paul
When we go through the process of separation some people insist
on being on their own. They tend to withdraw and feel uncomfortable
being around people. Then you will notice others who are continually
clinging to other people as though they cannot be alone for
a single minute. Always walking arm in arm they plan ahead so
that they have do not have part of the journey to walk by themselves.
There are four common reasons
why we separate from those friends we had when we were in a
is that when we are ending a relationship you
suddenly become more eligible as a future partner and may be
viewed as a possible partner for one of the people in another
relationship. So whereas you were formerly invited to all the
parties as a couple because you were safe, now you are single
you can be seen as a threat. Suddenly people are looking at
you as eligible and invitations to certain friend's parties
The second reason we tend to
loose friends is
that for some people those who have ended their relationship
create a very polarising situation for others. Friends tend
to support one or other partners thus we tend to lose the friends
who have sided with our former partner.
The third reason
is probably the most important: the fear
that 'If it can happen to you, it can happen to me' so the ending
of your relationship is very threatening to many relationships
around you and may form the basis why many such 'friends' appear
to slip away. Although you may be feeling rejected quite honestly
it is their problem and a reflection on them rather than on
you. So, instead of feeling rejected understand that the ending
of your relationship has caused them to feel very insecure.
The fourth aspect of friendship
which is important to understand while you are
going through ending your relationship and rebuilding is that
people in committed loving relationships are considered to be
part of mainstream, accepted couple orientated society and separated
people become part of the single subculture, a part of society
which is less acceptable to many. So to be pushed out of the
acceptable mainstream culture into the 'questionable' singles
subculture is a difficult adjustment.
experiences are extremely influential in our life and the
attitudes and feelings we develop in relationships with
parents, family, friends and partners are bound to carry
over into new relationships. Some of these attitudes and
feelings are helpful in new relationships and others are
As we have explored earlier common leftover problem, even
for adults, is an unresolved need to rebel against constraints
such as parental rules. Recognise the valuable leftovers
so you can keep and nourish them and then work at changing
those which simply get in the way.
Thelma was talking
about how hard it was with her former partner.
" Sometimes he sounds like his father when he criticises
me and I just can't help but fly off the handle at him. It's
not fair for me to do that, but I can't stop it. "
Peter reported that he grew up with a father who was
always criticising him to his face but then would tell others
how proud he was of his son. He decided that he wanted to be
praised to his face so in choosing a partner he found a woman
who he thought would give him lots of praise. After a period
of time in their relationship, he realised that he had chosen
a critical woman even though he had tried not to. Peter clearly
stated in our session:
" I don't understand what happened- I never thought
I'd choose someone like my father. "
Rick and Paul had a very respectable committed relationship,
with a lifestyle very much like that of their parents. Suddenly
Paul's behaviour changed. He began to associate with a younger
crowd, started all kinds of activities which he had never tried
before, and took more time for himself, apart from the relationship.
One day he reported back to Rick that he felt :
confined in the relationship and that he was going to have
to go off and get his head on straight."
So how much are you carrying in terms of leftovers from earlier
days? You may have learned to carry extra weight in your past
relationship or perhaps in your relationships with parents,
other siblings, friends or others while you grew up. Time to
unload those unneeded burdens. You may have thought that you
left all those hang-ups behind so maybe you didn't realise they
existed until a new relationship came along and then you were
forced to look into your back to see what you were still carrying
forward in your life.
people need to relearn how to love in order to love more maturely.
Your capacity to love others is based on your capacity to love
yourself as I explore in The Power of Caring series. Learning
to love yourself is not selfish and conceited in fact it is
the most mentally healthy thing you can do. There are a number
of specific steps you can take to increase your self love and
connection with your true self.
Over the past thirty five years I have asked thousands of people
to do this exercise in my seminars as well as one to one sessions
and it normally proves a very difficult assignment for most
people to do. Many people say
'' I thought I knew what love is but I guess I don't
In fact many people feel inadequate about their definition of
love. Love is like a diamond and you can view it from many different
directions and there is no right or wrong way of defining it.
There is only the way you feel about love.
In our society many people have stereotyped love to be something
you do for somebody or to somebody. Very few people realise
that love is something that should be centred within you and
that the basis of loving others originates from the love you
have for yourself.
A somewhat cynical definition upon which many relationships
are based is:
"Love is the warm feeling that you get toward somebody
who meets your neurotic needs."
Clearly this is a definition of neediness rather than love.
Because we are not whole and complete people but have emotional
deficiencies we try to fill those emotional deficits by 'loving'
another person. What we lack in ourselves we hope to find in
the other person in other words many of us are half people trying
to love someone in order to become whole.
THREE FREEDOM TO BE YOU RE-BUILDING STAGE
- THE FOUNDATION OF HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS
you say you can't trust a man or woman in a relationship then
you are saying more about yourself than about the man or woman.
Many relationships at this stage in the rebuilding process are
often attempts to heal wounds and many are transitional or short-term.
So at this stage by building a basic level of trust within yourself,
you can experience satisfying emotionally closer and intimate
At this stage in the recovery process you may see people walk
a distance from potential partners. They are like a wild animal
that when someone comes close, they run for cover the minute
you move toward them. These people talk about relationships
a great deal of the time, and they seem to want to date and
to be with potential partners. But as soon as someone makes
a move toward them, they run and shout 'stay away!' Clearly
they are still severely wounded by 'love'.
ending of a relationship process can be viewed in two major
steps. The first is learning to be a single person again ready
to face life alone with the issues of the past cleared away.
The second step is learning to love again after you have both
rebuilt your emotional strength and sustained a balanced relationship
with your real self so that you then ready to engage in a long
term committed relationship. Clearly, if you complete the first
step then step two will be easier.
Here at this stage we explore common types of relationships
to examine the basis of your current or former relationship
so that you are clear what works and what doesn't work for you
in the future.
THREE FREEDOM TO BE YOU RE-BUILDING STAGE
you are just separated it is normal to be extremely fearful
of sex. However, during the adjustment process, you can develop
your personal morality to express your unique sexuality.
The single subculture emphasise authenticity, responsibility
and individuality more than rules. So you can discover what
you believe rather than what is expected of you. The great difference
in attitudes is that male and female sexuality appears to be
a myth. But your adjustment could be complicated by the major
changes currently taking place in female, male and same sex
What was your attitude to those swinging single people when
you were in a relationship? Did you wonder if they were sexual
athletes that they were rumored to be? And did you fantasize
what it would be like to have a date with a different and exciting
person each night of the week?
Now you are single look at the people around you. Many are spending
evenings in alone. But take heart this part of the journey can
be one of the most difficult but it gets easier as you become
accustomed to being single. You have not been out on a date
in years and the first person you ask turns you down. You attend
various events anxious that someone will not approach and chat
you up and equally petrified that someone will. If someone should
make a pass at you then the thought is enough to make you stay
at home, alone, forever.
There are three stages in this rebuilding block. Each of these
three stages of sexuality affects us personally a great deal
as we go through the adjustment process and we will explore
and discuss in detail during our one to one online sessions.
MODULE THREE FREEDOM TO BE
YOU RE-BUILDING STAGE
- RELATING AS ADULT TO ADULT
committed relationships that end in separation where out of
balance in terms of responsibility. One partner was over-responsible
and the other was under-responsible. When couples try to change
this system of interaction, it is often the beginning of the
end of the relationship for many people.
Feelings and attitudes within us keep us operating in the
under-responsible or over responsible style; one may have
to make some major changes to come from an adult balanced
relationship view. Equal responsibility relationships are
more flexible and able to adjust to stress and change and
therefore are more likely to last.
In this stage our sessions focus on the different forms of
relationship and ways of relating responsibility.
THREE FREEDOM TO BE YOU RE-BUILDING STAGE
IT'S OK !
you emphasize investment in your own personal growth rather
than in relationships. A period of singleness enables you
to build confidence in yourself so you can experience and
enjoy being single as an acceptable alternative lifestyle
and not as a time to be lonely. However it is easy to become
stuck in this rebuilding block as a means of avoiding another
Many people never learned to be single people before they
entered a committed relationship. They went from parental
homes to sharing a home with their partner, never even considering
that one could be happy living as a single person, and never
questioned the myth that once in a committed relationship
they would live a 'happy ever after life'.
Before the singleness stage, one may be looking for the 'lost
half.' but during this rebuilding stage one reaches the point
of comfort in going out alone. No longer is a 'date' necessary
to avoid embarrassment or feeling a failure. The quality of
relationships improves, since one now chooses who to go out
with spending time together sharing rather than needing. Other
people may be encountered and enjoyed for who they are, rather
than as a potential lifetime companions.
THREE FREEDOM TO BE YOU RE-BUILDING
STAGE - FIFTEEN
AND THE NEW RELATIONSHIP WITH ME
are now at the end of the rebuilding journey and we have arrived
By working with me through the rebuilding blocks you can now
build more meaningful relationships for the future. Why? Because
you have the FREEDOM to choose to either be free and happy
as a single person or enter into another relationship. Freedom
is being who you really are and living your life to the full.
Here we look back over the process we have worked through
together and explore:
was the most enjoyable and interesting part of the rebuilding
process for you.
What was the most
difficult and challenging?
Now, what was the
Now we review and identify the many changes
that have taken place within you and how you have reached
a place of embracing these shifts emotionally and how these
experiences have been communicated to your logical conscious
Many people have had considerable difficulty with one or more
of the rebuilding blocks after a relationship ends. As we
will have worked through the rebuilding process, overcoming
each stumbling blocks, then you are able to enter into another
relationship and make it more productive than the last one.
You will be able to meet your own needs and the needs of your
loved one(s) much better than in the past. Rebuilding not
only helps you to survive the crisis, but it also enhances
your future relationships.
people ask me about how the rebuilding stages relate to children.
The process of adjustment for children is very similar to
that for adults. The rebuilding stages apply to the children
(as they may to other relatives such as grandparents, aunts,
uncles, and close friends).
Many parents get so involved in trying to help their children
work through the adjustment process that they neglect to meet
their own needs.
If you're a parent who is embarking on the Rebuilding journey,
I recommend that you learn to take care of yourself and work
through the adjustment process. You will find that your children
will tend to adjust more easily as a result. The nicest thing
you can do for your child is to get your own act together.
Children tend to get hung up in the same rebuilding stages
as their parents, so by making progress yourself, you will
be helping your children, too.
have created special written and audio recording materials
if you wish to work with me in regard to you and your children.