STAGE - REBUILDING TWELVE

SEXUALITY

When you are just separated it is normal to be extremely fearful of sex. However, during the adjustment process, you can develop your personal morality to express your unique sexuality.

The single subculture emphasise authenticity, responsibility and individuality more than rules. So you can discover what you believe rather than what is expected of you. The great difference in attitudes is that male and female sexuality appears to be a myth. But your adjustment could be complicated by the major changes currently taking place in female, male and same sex identities.

Being separated and Middle aged is:

Not taking the rubbish for fear you'll miss that obscene phone call.

Standing out in the middle of the dark parking lot and shouting
"Hey you muggers, the muggee is here."

Telling the guy who frisked you and demanded your money that you have no money but if he'll frisk you again, you will write him a cheque.

Putting a sign on your gate that read
'All trespassers will be violated."

Looking under the bed and hoping someone is there.

Comments by Lois group member exercise content.

What was your attitude to those swinging single people when you were in a relationship? Did you wonder if they were sexual athletes that they were rumoured to be? And did you fantasize what it would be like to have a date with a different and exciting person each night of the week?

Now you are single look at the people around you. Many are spending evenings in alone. Many are out pretending to have fun at singles events when in reality they are bored stiff. Many times you spend an evening with a person that makes your ex look attractive and desirable, and you never thought anyone could be worse than your ex. And then everyone is going with someone and then a short time later breaking up and you can't even keep track of who is dating who. The contrast between your fantasy of the wild single life and what it actually is adds to your isolated and lonely feelings.

Take heart this part of the journey can be one of the most difficult but it gets easier as you become accustomed to being single. You have not been out on a date in years and the first person you ask turns you down. You attend various events anxious that someone will not approach and chat you up and equally petrified that someone will. If someone should make a pass at you then the thought is enough to make you stay at home, alone, forever.

There are three stages in this rebuilding block. Each of these three stages of sexuality affects us personally a great deal as we go through the adjustment process.

You had an available sexual relationship for all those years and suddenly the long term committed relationship is not available anymore. You are faced with all of the emotional and social adjustment of ending a relationship including what to do with your sexual desires.

The first step of the process, while you are in deep grief, is lack of sexual interest or maybe a complete inability to perform sexually. Women tend to be completely uninterested in sex, men often are impotent. Just when you are feeling a great deal of emotional pain, the fact that you are uninterested or unable to perform sexually adds to the pain. Many people would come to me saying,

'I was already hurting so much, and now I find that I can't perform sexually. It feels like hitting rock bottom.'

When they learn that it is perfectly normal and natural to be uninterested in sex while in deep grief, they feel greatly relieved.

Somewhere along the divorce process, perhaps near the end of the anger rebuilding block, you get through this stage of not being able to perform sexually.

The second step of the process. Now at the next stage, you will probably go to the other extreme and reach the horny stage. Your sexual desires are greater than you have ever known in your whole life. It is almost frightening because you feel almost out of control most of the time. Peter described this stage as 'delicious torture.' Because the needs and desires of this stage are so overwhelming, it is important to understand the feelings and attitudes as much as possible.

Among the many feelings present in the horny stage is a need to prove that you are OK, personally and sexually. It is as though you are trying to solve not only your sexual problems but all of the other rebuilding blocks as well, using sex as a method. You behaviour at the horny stage may be somewhat compulsive because of this. You are trying to overcome loneliness, to feel lovable again, to improve your self concept, to work through some anger, to develop friendships and all of these things are concentrated in the sexual drive. It is as though your body is trying to heal itself through sexual expression alone.

One night stands are a popular way that people try to solve this high sex drive stage. We see this portrayed in books and films about ending of relationships. The need to go out and 'prove that you are OK' may be great that you will do something sexually that you had never done before.

Another important understanding about the horny stage is that there is a great need for touching during this stage. As you through the relationship separation process, you will probably experience a heightened need to be physically touched. Touch has remarkable, healing qualities. Depending upon the warmth and closeness of your relationship, you likely received much physical touching when you were together. Suddenly that touching is not there anymore. Many people will try to meet their need for physical touching with sex, not realising that there is a very real difference between physical touching and sexual touching. Although the two are entirely different, you can resolve much of your need for sexual contact by getting the physical touching you need.

You can resolve the needs of the high sex drive stage by methods other than direct sexual contact if you understand that a part of the compulsive drive behind this stage is to prove that you are OK, and to feel good about yourself again, then you can work directly on that. Building your identity and self-confidence, and understanding that you are lovable can overcome the loneliness and take away some of the pressures of the high sex drive stage.

The stereotype about the separated person being sexually an easy mark results from the high sex drive stage. During this period, the separated person is an easy mark. The sexual drive is tremendous. Many people going through the separation process have sexual relationships somewhat promiscuously.

The third step in this process.Eventually to you will overcome this stage and enter the third stage of post separation sexuality in which your normal sex drive resumes.

Not everyone going through the ending of a relationship process goes through these three stages of sexuality. Some people do not go into the celibate stage and some do not experience the high sex drive stage however the stages are very common and need to be recognised.

During the early stage of sexuality you are doing what you should do, and then you go through a stage of ding what you want to do. Most people going through such a process experience the evolution of becoming free sexually in the sense that they are suddenly aware of who they are and what their sexual nature is. Essentially sexually monogamous in their committed relationship some people when the relationship ends have many sexual relationships before finally deciding on a monogamous relationship because that is what they want.

We have blown sex out of proportion in the western society perhaps because we hid it and denied it for so long. With so much emphasis on sex now, it appears to have lost some of its reality. Advertising is full of sex in order to sell products. We revere youth and the supposed beauty, aliveness and sexuality of youth. With such a daily overdose in the media, it is tough to keep a proper perspective on sexuality when it comes to relationships.

Usually missing from popular presentations is the spiritual dimension of human sexuality. Sex is one way of transcending our normal means of expressing ourselves, and it allows us to show our love and concern for another person in a very special and positive way. Sex can be a method of transporting oneself to levels beyond the everyday, to become something greater than what one normally is.

But this spiritual dimension that is present in sexuality is also present in overcoming anger, in our ability to communicate, in learning to like another person, and in learning to accept and deal with all of the human emotions. Sexuality, when placed in perspective, may be seen as only one of the many amazing things that occur in our expression of connection with other people.

We have covered a lot of ground and there is much we have not explored. Sex is often a stumbling block for the single person so be sure to explore these issues at this all important rebuilding stage. Here are a few pointers for assessing your progress.

1. I am comfortable going out with potential partners
2. I know and can explain my present moral attitudes and values
3. I feel capable of having a deep and meaningful sexual relationship if it were appropriate
4. I would feel comfortable being intimate with another partner
5. My sexual behaviour is consistent with my morality
6. I am satisfied with my present dating situation
7. I believe that my personal sexuality expresses my individual and unique morality
8. I feel satisfied with the way I am meeting my sexual needs
9. I take responsibility for my interaction with others
10. I have learned that male and female sexual attitudes and value may be more alike than different
11. I feel comfortable being with a person I am attracted to
12. I am secure enough to behave the way I want even if it does not conform to the expectations of others
13. I am not letting the compulsive needs of high sexual drive control my behaviour
14. I am solving the neediness of my stages of high sexual drive in a manner that is acceptable to me
15. I understand and accept that many people will have no desire and may be unable to perform sexually while grieving for a lost relationship
16. I am receiving my quota of hugs each week

Sexuality 13 minutes

STAGE REBUILDING THIRTEEN

RESPONSIBILITY - Relating as
Adult to Adult

Most committed relationships that end in separation where out of balance in terms of responsibility. One partner was over-responsible and the other was under-responsible. When couples try to change this system of interaction, it is often the beginning of the end of the relationship for some people.

Feelings and attitudes within us keep us operating in the under-responsible or over responsible style; one may have to make some major changes in order to come from an adult flourishing relationship view. Equal responsibility relationships are more flexible and able to adjust to stress and change and therefore are more likely to last.

In my first marriage I took care of him.
In my second marriage I let my partner take care of me.
Maybe next time I will be able to have an adult relationship.

Have you noticed how there are some people who seem to like to carry others, fuss over them, and help them make lunch? They seem more interested in taking care of others in contrast to looking after and caring for their own needs in equal balance. Of course it takes both kinds of people to make this work for there are others who are always wanting someone to take care of them. They do not seem able to make it and 'need help' from someone else.

Notice also the 'Sergeants' ordering everyone around and acting as though they know how things should be done. They are heard saying 'You should...' or 'You ought...,' and are critical of people in life. The people they order around and criticize tend to be either helpless and obedient or rebellious and disobedient.

Experience has shown that 99 per cent of people attending seminars discover that they had an imbalance of responsibility in their relationships. This appears to be a major cause of marital breakdown because the responsibility is not equal; the relationship is not flexible enough to adjust to stress and change.

Take moment to look back at your relationship. Where you the over-responsible helper, the dominating person? Or perhaps you were the under responsible, 'helpless' or rebellious partner? If either of you tried to change this pattern, the relationship became troubled -and that was maybe the beginning of the end and the person who tried to change this rigid structure of responsibility into a more flexible adult relationship is often looked upon as the bad person who upset the apple cart. I hope you can start simply describing what happened instead of needing to label people as good and bad people. Life is a process of changing and the person who instigates change may simply be a part of the life process.

Using my work from transactional analysis what I am talking about is similar to the terms parent and child ego states. One aspect of the parent ego state is the over responsible part of the personality, and the child ego state is the under responsible part of the personality. Sigmund Freud also used similar terms when he talked about the super-ego (the potentially over responsible aspect of personality) and the id (the under-responsible part of personality).

The under and over responsible parts of personality not only come into play when we interact with others, but are important within ourselves and how we dialogue with these aspects of self.

Eric Berne's model is one where he created the following elements which I have used in countless settings when working with individuals and groups in my career:

The Critical Parent -

The Nurturing Parent -

The Adult -

The Free Child -

The Adapted Child -

Most of my clients over the past thirty five years who have worked with me were having an internal war between the over and under responsible parts of their personalities. This internal strife was consuming much of their emotional energy. They were looking for the internal peace of mind. Either the over responsible part of the personality is winning the war leaving them to feel guilty, drained, inhibited, controlled and driven; or the under responsible part was winning and they were impulsive, violent, irresponsible, helpless. Whichever side is winning, the losing side is continually striking back and the war goes on. Some participants in my seminars report the major emotional issues were not in their relationship and between their partner and then but within themselves, and their partner was the spectator and not the participant.

Not resolving this inner conflict can have serious consequences for one's relationships.

In one seminar, Charlie began to introduce himself to the group.

'My name is Charlie and I have been married for 31 years...'

At this point, he broke down and cried. Later during the discussion session at the end of the evening seminar Charlie asked if he had been the over responsible helper in his marriage. When one of the group said they felt he had been, Charlie asked

 

'Does my being over responsible have anything to do with her dumping me?'

A woman in the group stated profoundly,

'Kids grow up and leave home, Charlie.'

This graphic description allowed Charlie to see beyond the blaming and guilt.

The vast majority of participants in my seminars call themselves over responsible. I was puzzled by this: shouldn't there be an equal number of over or under responsible people taking this seminar? To find the answer, I went to work to better understand these over responsible people.

A close look at the two types of over responsible people shows that they are not just giving others a hand when it is needed to make it through a difficult time. They seem to be busy finding people to rescue so that neither the rescuer nor the person being rescued makes good progress. They seem to enjoy looking after the other person rather than being responsible for themselves. It seems obvious that they need to get on with their own lives.

These people are great at giving to others, but have difficulty taking gifts, compliments, help from others. They learned at an early age to get their emotional kicks and rewards by taking care of others.

Frank was ten when his father was seriously injured. Frank took over the responsibility for running the home and not only did the physical work but he also made the decisions. He became an over responsible young man, receiving recognition for how grown up he acted. Unfortunately, even in his relationship he never was able to develop the fun loving 'irresponsible child' part of his personality. After his separation he was able to go through his teenage development and to become a more complete whole person. Many over responsible helping people are nurturing others because they need to be nurtured. They learned to take care of others to compensate for their feelings of loneliness, lack of emotional nurturing, and feelings of rejection. Simply, how can you reject someone who is taking care of you?........

In her relationship, Mary was always very responsible with the money. She decided how to spend the money, even though many times Carl would criticize how much money she was spending. She usually also set the alarm clock before they went to bed, would shut if off in the morning, and always made sure Carl got up on time to make it to work. One day Mary realised she had three other children and she was tired of being married to a child.

She began to change things so Carl had to take more responsibility, such as sorting out the money and getting himself to work in the morning. Shortly after that he began an affair with another woman.

As another example Karen was reluctant to take the seminar because she wanted a course that would help her children. After we discussed how the over responsible person is a good giver but poor taker, I asked if I could give her a hug. She jumped at the opportunity, came rushing over to me and gave me a hug. I backed off and pointed out that I would give her a hug.

'I'll try to take a hug,'

she said, and stood there stiff as a board, stiff and uncomfortable. After about two seconds she said, 'I can't stand it anymore!' and grabbed me again. Since the homework for that week was for the nurturing person to take, I emphasised to Karen that she needed to work on her homework.

Next week she came back and shared with the group how she had worked at letting her children give back to her. It was such an important change in her behaviour and she shed some tears while talking to the group. I again asked if I could give her a hug and she said 'yes', whilst waiting for me to come to her. I hugged her and she broke into uncontrollable sobbing and shared with the group that this was the first time she had really been able to emotionally take since she was a child.


If you scratch the surface of an over responsible helping person, you usually find a child part of that person that needs to be loved unconditionally.

Are you one of these over responsible helping people? If so, do you realise how easy it is for you to continue in that role when you enter another relationship? Remember the example earlier of Margaret liked to bring home stray cats and nurse them to good health. She grew up, brought home another stray cat and married him.

She knew he drank a little while they were 'courting' but she had no idea he was an alcoholic. She was able to leave and divorce him, but she found, after several more relationships, that she was continuing the pattern. If you don't change yourself internally, you will probably find yourself continuing self-defeating patterns. You too could be 'bringing home stray cats!'

Now to some suggestions for you to explore in creating change. Here is the homework that we use in the seminars to help people begin to change this pattern of giving and never taking.

The first is to say 'no' next time a person asks you to do something. The over responsible style which transactional analysis calls 'nurturing parent behaviour' is to always say 'yes' to anything anyone asks of you. 'You can always depend on old Mary to do a responsible job.'

But saying 'no' is only part of the homework. The second part of this assignment is to ask someone to do something for you. Do not pay for it, do not promise to do something in return. Don't cheat and explain that it was suggested as part of your homework. Just ask.

Are you now aware of your fear of being rejected? Most of you learned to be the helping person to compensate for feelings of rejection, so this homework not only attempts to change the giving and never taking style that drained you emotionally, but it also forces you to deal with the possibility of rejection.

The more extreme you are in this helping role, the more difficult this homework will be for you. I can almost hear some of you exclaim,

'I can't ask anyone to do something for me!'

I have had many people over the past twenty years in my seminars who said this. My response is:

'Some of you may not be strong enough to change at this time. Maybe you'll be able to even if you think you can't. Give it a try, maybe it will be easier than you think.'

Some people hold the sexist view that it is only females that become over responsible helping people. I believe that our society does encourage women to play the helping role saying in many ways that a 'woman's role is to help and support her husband.' But in my seminars males are just as often over responsible helps, so it appears that development of the over responsible helping personality has to do with other factors than whether you were born male or female.

Let's look again at why so many participants in my seminars are helping people. One answer is that they are continuing the pattern of being over responsible; they take the seminar because that would be a responsible thing to do. But underneath I believe there is another need operating. Because the seminar is emotionally warm and supportive, people take the seminar to get the nurturing they need. Signing up for a one to one is equally affirming as a connection to having your needs me in terms of being heard, witnessed as well as exploring ways of changing which are for you and you only.

The past pattern of interaction leaves them feeling emotionally drained and hungry for nurturing. It appears that one step toward overcoming the pattern of parental, over responsible helper is to become an under responsible taking child for a time. Filling our own needs helps us to become balanced, which lead to adultness and to equal responsibility in our next relationship.

What is the difference between over responsible helping people and those spiritually concerned people who are caring and concerned about others? I use the classic 'fish story' to illustrate the difference. One way to help a hungry person is for the rescuer to give him or her a fish. The next day the hungry person comes again and the rescuer gives another fish. Pretty soon the hungry one is 'hooked' (the person not the fish). An adult helper teaches the hungry person to fish. The rescuer has need to take care of others so giving the fish meets his or her needs more than it does the hungry person. The adult becomes the teacher and finds the satisfaction from seeing the other person learn to meet his or her own needs.

Let's switch now to the other type of over responsible person the critical and domineering 'Sergeant'. Barbara told the seminar that she always felt little and helpless with her husband. When she started to stick up for herself and not give in to Sam's domination, the marriage began to crumble. Barbara felt guilty 'like the bad person' but the group helped her to see that it is better to simply describe change and how it affects the relationship, rather than labelling people as good or bad.

Barbara has trouble understanding why Sam is having such a difficult time adjusting to single life. He keeps coming back to her like a lost puppy does searching for his master. 'He dominated me all the time and so why does he appear to be so lost and needy?' can you imagine, Barbara, said how this was how the Sergeant would feel it the platoon of recruits that he has been ordering around were all suddenly gone.

Over responsible people, whether the helping or dominating type, need someone to take care of as part of their identity. It is as though they have to be carried on the shoulders of another person in order to be tall. When it happens that submissive peoples leave their old relationship, either physically or emotionally, the dominating partners crumble like a house of playing cards. They easily become vulnerable because they are so fragile.

Have you thought how difficult it is to be perfect? How hard you strive to please? How hard you are on yourself? Those years of criticism in childhood are bound to result in some insecure, anxious, fearful feelings. Many people compensate for these feelings by striving to be perfect in order to feel loved. Others push those close to them to 'do better' through criticism and by creating demands that can never be satisfied.

The alcoholic personality has a large part that is self-critical. Drinking first diminishes the power of the parental and critical part of the personality, then the rational, adult part, and then sadly the fun loving child part, and the process finally results in unconsciousness. Many alcoholics drink enough to diminish the critical part of the personality; that is an important cause of their drinking; allowing the 'child inside' to have fun but then the child is no longer present. Wouldn't it be nice to learn to have fun and be ourselves without having to drink to do it?

Here is some homework that has proven to be effective for people in my seminars. If what you are really trying to do is to become perfect, realise that no one can be perfect, and stop trying.

Next week, stop all compulsive behaviour that you feel you MUST do.

A good example for most critical people; stop making your bed every morning. 'Oh, I can't do that. I can't leave that room without making the bed. The room looks so messy. I'd sooner be late for work than leave the room messy.' Think about what your compulsive behaviour is. What is it that you think you have to do every day? Is it really 'critically' important to your life?

George, who attended a talk about relationship rebuilding, started thinking about that and he adopted a new motto for life whilst adjusting to his ending of his relationship 'it doesn't matter.' In letting go of the parental and critical part of our personalities, we have to become somewhat irresponsible in an almost childlike way. Many people have to go through a 'childish' stage in order to leave the parental position and reach adultness.

Since over responsible people need to learn to take responsibility for their own behaviour instead of that of others, they find this homework assignment helpful: when you notice someone close to you is acting in a rebellious manner, monitor your own behaviour and determine if you are setting this up with your style of interaction.

I mentioned earlier that there are relatively few of the under responsible types of people in my seminars. Usually these people learned at an early age that all they had to do was play helpless and someone would take care of them. Typically their vocabulary is 'I don't know how', ''I need someone to teach me' I feel so frightened that I can't do it.' These people have trouble balancing their bank statement, seldom if ever make their beds, always leave decisions up to the over responsible person. Some of them, those who really believe they are helpless, have so little confidence in their capacities that they are unwilling to try to be self-sufficient. The rebellious ones, on the other hand, go through life intentionally irresponsible and carefree, and if something goes wrong they take no responsibility: 'It's your fault!' Embarking on self-work is the last thing in their lives that they would ever consider.

It is easy for me to give under responsible people some homework, but they either comply, which leaves the responsibility upon me, or are under responsible and do not do the homework rationalising that it was far too hard. So my suggestion for you under responsible people is to figure out your own homework. If you really want to change, you will find ways of becoming more responsible. And I will listen to your behaviour rather than your words. I have heard the words many, many times.

Isn't it interesting. To change any behaviour, the person first has to become responsible for her or his own behaviour. It is often believed that the over responsible person, with a more parental behaviour style, is somehow more mature. Under and over responsible behaviour are both immature, and there is little difference between the two in this respect. Maturity is a process of becoming more responsible for one's own behaviour; adultness is a state of assuming responsibility in a mature manner.

Incidentally, an important goal is to allow ourselves flexibility in taking responsibility. When we come home tired from a difficult day at work, it is appropriate to allow ourselves the luxury of being cared for. (The over responsible person becomes more so when tired; and the under responsible person becomes more that way when tired.)

So allow someone to bring you a drink, to hold you, to listen to you share your troubles of the day. One the other hand you may become over responsible when another is sick, when one has a need to 'play little,' to be cared for. With flexibility you can adjust and function at an appropriate level of responsibility. This flexibility is adultness; you choose the type of interaction rather than allowing it to choose you.

You are flexible within yourself as to how responsible you are in a situation, and you are also flexible in your interactions with others. This flexibility allows the adult relationship to adjust to change and stress that occurs as a part of the process of life and living it.

Here is a brief exercise which may help you to more fully understand these different types of interactions, so that you may monitor your own growth. As you read through the six situations, note that each has three different responses; illustrating over and under responsible, and adult behaviour. There is no 'score' for this exercise; simply note the way each style shows itself in everyday situations.

1. The single mother is leaving on a date. Her oldest daughter's farewell comment is:

A: 'be sure to get home early tonight, Mum'
B: 'I'd like a phone number where I can reach you if I need to'
C: 'Wow, kids, will we have fun tonight while Mum is gone!'

2. The wife makes these comments after she has been informed by her husband that he wants a divorce:

A: 'I never was good enough for you'
B: 'Maybe we should discuss our problem with a marriage counsellor'
C: 'You should learn to take responsibility for your life instead of running away like a child'

3. Your son, aged 13, says, 'You're without doubt the worst parent a childlike me could ever have.' You respond:

A: 'I can see that you're angry with me and wish that I would act differently'
B: 'I've don't everything I could possible do for you; about time you grew up!'
C: 'So - big deal! Who cares?'

4. The woman asks for an unreasonable property settlement, and the man's response is:

A: 'I'm going to hire the meanest solicitor in town to teach you a lesson'
B: 'I think we should talk to a third party to help mediate this dispute'
C: 'I'm tired of fighting. You have everything you want'

5. A noncustodial father has taken the children to visit him while a new girlfriend is present, and the mother's response is:

A: 'You chose to be with that woman instead of me, so my children are never going to be around  while she is there'
B: 'Do you think I want my children seeing their father acting like a teenager?'
C: 'Our children will need a lot of time and attention from you while they're visiting you. Will you be able to give them the quality time they need while your girlfriend is present?'

Many times in ending your relationship you did not respond at an adult level with your former partner. While you are ending the relationship, I strongly suggest that you try to remain as adult as possible when talking and communicating with your ex. Otherwise it will be easy them to hook you into being under or over responsible, with resulting arguments and bad feelings.

Communication between the two of you is enhanced if you can have adult interactions, and it is valuable practice for other relationships as well.

Awareness, understanding, and knowledge lead us to more adultness both in our behaviour with others and within ourselves. What you have explored can help you to become more adult. Here is a check list for you to evaluate your development of more adult behaviour.

1. I can identify my behaviour as to over or under responsibility, and adultness.
2. I can see the over and under responsible behaviour in my past relationship, both in     myself and my partner
3. I believe that past patterns of interaction can be changed
4. I am doing the homework suggested to change my behaviour toward more adultness
5. I am building adult relationships at this time
6. I am allowing myself flexibility, to behave with whatever responsibility is appropriate
7. I expect to continue to build adult relationships in the future

Responsibility part one - 14 minutes

  Responsibility part two - 14 minutes

STAGE RE-BUILDING FOURTEEN

SINGLENESS: It's OK

Here you emphasize investment in your own personal growth rather than in relationships. A period of singleness enables you to build confidence in yourself so you can experience and enjoy being single as an acceptable alternative lifestyle and not as a time to be lonely.. It is easy to become stuck in this rebuilding block as a means of avoiding another intimate relationship.

I've become aware that living as a single person is an affirmation of strength and self - not embarrassing admission of failure.

I'm more relaxed in the company of others - I no longer am wasting emotional energy being a social chameleon.

Post-marital guilt, self-doubts, and questions like 'Will I ever love again' are greatly diminished.

I am happy as a single person- something I had not thought possible before.     Larry

Many people never learned to be single people before they entered a committed relationship. They went from parental homes to sharing a home with their partner, never even considering that one could be happy living as a single person, and never questioned the myth that once in a committed relationship they would live happy ever after life.

Carol lived with her parents until she married Joe. She went from pleasing one man, her father, to pleasing another man, her husband. So, when Joe talked about leaving, she clung to him because the thought of living alone as terrifying. She had never learned to please herself. She had always been a dependent person; and now the thought of being independent, although challenging, was frightening. She was embarrassed because it really sounded silly to her that a woman of 25 did not know her own mind, or know what to do with her life.

Gradually she adjusted to being alone. At first she searched for other relationships, something/someone to lean on. As she became more and more confident, she began doing more things for herself and enjoying it. She wallpapered a whole bedroom; sawed the boards and pounded the nails for a new patio fence; went to a film by herself while the children were with Joe; and even enjoyed stumbling alone in the dark trying to find a seat. She invited the whole neighbourhood in for a party. These activities left her feeling exhilarated, knowing that she did not need anyone. She was a good example of a woman being liberated.

Jim represents the male side of this same coin. He had been well cared for by his mother. The clothes were always washed and ironed, meals were on time, and even his room was kept clean. He could devote his time to study and then later his job. When he entered university he lived in student accommodation. Again his meals were provided and he a minimum of housekeeping chores. The he married and Janet who did all the things that his mother had always done. He felt independent and did not realise how dependent he actually was. But he found out when he left Janet.

He was helpless in the kitchen, even in preparing the simplest meal. He had very little understanding of how to wash his clothes and ended up with pink underwear when he put them in the wash, He could pay for car maintenance on his wage, but it is difficult - and very expensive - to hire a full-time cook and housekeeper.

Gradually Jim's self-prepared meals improved. Initially he got brave enough to invite a female friend to his home to eat, and she was delighted with the meal he prepared. His clothes began to look more cared for. He was very pleased and proud when he learned to iron his own shirts. He felt that learning to care for himself was like growing up - each accomplishment left a feeling of success and achievement.

But the singleness I am talking about is much more than learning to do the tasks that someone else has done for you. It is a whole way of life. Dating and relationships are a good example. A typical comment from a recently separated person might help, 'I'll never make it as a single person; I need another relationship.' During the singleness stage, the same person might say, 'Why go into another committed relationship? I can come and go as I please. I can eat whenever I feel like it. I don't have to adjust my daily living habits to another person. Being single really does feel good!'

Before the singleness stage, one may be looking for the 'lost half.' But during this stage one reached the point of comfort in going out alone. No longer is a 'date' necessary to avoid embarrassment or feeling a failure. The quality of relationships improves, since one now chooses who to go out with spending time together sharing rather than needing. Other people may be encountered and enjoyed for who they are, rather than as a potential lifetime companions.

One of the homework assignments in our seminars has to do with developing new interests in the singleness stage. Many have spent their free, recreational times in the past doing what the partner wanted or what they had learned to do with their parents. The assignment is simply to take the time to develop a new interest, or to pursue something that one may have wanted to do for a long time.

In the last session write up I discussed adult responsibility and parent-child behaviour. Perhaps now you see how the singleness stage allows us to change these roles. Because the roles we act out in our relationships are so closely related to our internal attitude and feelings, we change inside as we change our external roles. It is easier to do this in the singleness stage than when we are in a permanent relationships. A neutral environment facilitates both internal and external changes. The singleness stage is a key period to make the internal changes in attitudes and feelings necessary for personal growth.

Parenting is difficult during the singleness stage. In earlier stages parents frequently bend themselves out of shape trying make sure they are lovable, datable, and okay in many other ways. The children suffer; their needs are put on the '; back-burner in the singleness stage, parents usually are more responsive to the needs of the children. Susan had been volunteering in the seminars because she 'needed' to feel worthwhile by helping others. When she began to reach the singleness stage, she resigned as a volunteer because she wanted to spend more time with her children. Parents in the singleness stage have begun to rise above their own emotional needs.

It often takes a great deal of inner security to handle to the singleness stage successfully. Much of the discussion in this section concerns the internal feelings present in the singleness stage. As you have worked your way with me through the earlier rebuilding blocks, it is likely that you are able to experience the peacefulness and calmness that occurs in the singleness stage. You may become slightly upset about the attitudes of others, but you will feel strong enough to handle them.

We learn from the external prejudices and use them to become more secure in our own internal feelings and develop some assertive responses for the most common put-downs and discriminatory acts. You can also help to educate others, while maintaining your own integrity, by responding firmly and you will feel better inside, too, rather than going away fuming.
Singleness can be one of the most productive stages you go through the journey, in the sense that the old wounds can really be healed. Dealing with the external discrimination may help you to become stronger inside.

The singleness stage is an easy stage in which to become stuck. If you have not worked through all of the leftovers concerning relationships and intimacy, you may use the singleness stage as a place to hide. It may sound like the singleness when you hear someone say 'I'll never enter another relationship again.' But in many ways that is the opposite of genuine singleness. Fear of intimacy, avoidance of feelings and opposition to future relationships as though it were the worst experience in our society all indicate that the person is stuck. The goal is to be free to choose singleness or to enter another relationship, not to stay single for ever.

Singleness has become acceptable alternative in our society. Earlier a single person was looked upon in communities as somewhat weird, one who just did not quite make it to the altar. Attitudes have changed and after a talk I gave recently where a woman wanted to know why we had to keep talking about relationships. She said was it not just as valid to talk about remaining single? Did we have to keep looking toward being a relationship as the ideal?

Here are some items to check through at this stage.
1. I am comfortable being single.
2. I can be happy as a single person.
3. I am comfortable going to social events as a single person.
4. I am becoming a whole person rather than a half person looking for my other lost half.
5. I am spending time investing in my own personal growth rather than looking for another relationship.
6. I can look at my friends as people I want to be with rather than as a potential partner.
7. If I have children and family, I can spend time enjoying being with them rather than begrudging the time they take from my personal life.
8. I have found internal peace and contentment as a single person.

Singleness 11 minutes