Divorce or the ending of a long
term committed relationship is almost like a form of 'surgery'
and affects all areas of life.
For many people before they can go forward to the next stages
of their life they need to pick up the pieces. They need to develop
a whole new orientation to the life that will come and work through
the normal feelings of despair, disappointment, revenge, retaliation
Many approaches only talk about the problems and my approach is
to provide a practical framework to look at the all important
rebuilding stages where we learn from the past and develop new
aspects of self which were previously unknown or hidden.
Some of the emotional needs we need to walk through during and
following the ending of an important relationship parallel the
stages I have worked with people on when they are recovering from
the death of someone they love.
At first there is denial of the events that have taken place and
a subsequent feeling of wanting to isolate oneself from the situation.
Then anger with feelings of blame as well as bargaining by creating
a 'ledger' to see that things are equal. This is so common over
the custody of children and property settlements. Then comes a
period of intense sadness which is where a lot of self hatred,
self blame and feelings of failure are present. Finally one comes
to the acceptance of the situation and an acceptance of self.
The rebuilding process we work through makes it possible to work
through these various levels, stage by stage. It is important
to give this 'rebuilding' period the time it needs, to awaken
parts of the self that have been paralysed, repressed or unknown.
Here each self - in this case the divorced person - come into
the next part of life hope rather than failure.
Ending a relationship creates pain which is a natural, expected
and healthy reaction given pain is nature's way of telling us
that something in us needs to be healed.
Research has shown how on average it takes about a year to progress
through the recovery process and the remaining stages another
year or so and finishing the process brings incredible freedom
to make balanced and clear decisions about your future life.
We are all unique individuals however there are shared patterns
which all of us go through when we come to the end of an important
relationship and as I work with people then they make notes and
keep a journal. The stages show the specific feelings and attitudes
which people normally need to progress through. Where to start
how do I progress what feels at times an overwhelming situation
we progress through a map which others have successfully progressed
along. People often clearly report the problem areas based on
their personality and previous experience of life or for some
they highlight those areas they were unable to identify as a problem
or block because they have effectively buried their feelings and
attitudes about it.
client suddenly recognised how she had been stuck on the rejection
rebuilding element without realising it. The following session
she reported considerable progress thanks to identifying the problem.
Many people are reading self help books learning the vocabulary
and gaining intellectual awareness but not learning emotionally
from the experience.
Emotional learning includes those experiences which register in
your feelings and what we learn emotionally affects our behaviour
a great deal, and much of the learning we have to do to adjust
to a crisis is emotional relearning. Essentially the things we
believed all of our lives may not be true and we have to relearn.
This is where working with me to mirror such elements is important
along with exercises to complete before our next session in working
The online resources, our sessions and email contact helps identify
blocks and progress and keeps motivation going even when emotionally
it feels tough to continue.
Denial until you can accept
the ending you will have difficulty adjusting and then rebuilding.
Some people react with denial or disbelief and there are no simple
answered so at this stage we need to take an effort to move forwards.
There is a strong feeling of loneliness and after a period of
time we accept seclusion and withdrawal and se take stock of our
life through introspection, reflection and developing a connection
with our inner self to embrace either feeling of guilt or rejection.
Becoming aware of the stages of grief
can help you to become more emotionally aware so you can move
forwards and let go of the relationship and working together means
that this often difficult but important stage can begin.
Feeling anger is a natural, healthy
part of being human so it is not healthy to keep your anger inside
but also it is not healthy to express it aggressively so we explore
ways of expressing both the anger at the end of a relationship
as well as everyday anger constructively.
There now comes a time where we need to stop investing emotionally
in the former relationship because failing to let go may really
be a symptom that you have not been facing painful feelings within
yourself. After you actually work on feelings and you successfully
adjust to a crisis in your life then you view of self, yourself
concept, increases your future identity so if you meet other people
then you are clear who you are in your life.
The support of friends is very important and can shorten the rebuilding
process in responding to a crisis in your life and to be honest
friends are more valuable than potential partners right now.
It is important to look at earlier experiences and how they may
have influenced our life to this point in time and exploring your
attitudes and feelings in relationships with parents, family,
friends and lovers are important at this stage because some of
the old attitudes and feelings are helpful in new relationships
and others are not. Here is time to recognise the valuable leftovers
so you can keep hold of and nourish them and now work at changing
those which get in the way.
Many people need to relearn how to love
in order to love more maturely. It may come as no surprise
how our capacity to love others is closely related to our ability
to love yourself but in Western society this is often considered
taboo as being selfish and conceited where research has shown,
time and time again, how this is one of the most mentally healthy
things we can do and how there are a number of specific steps
we can take to increase our self love.
Looking towards the future then we now examine our feelings around
trust and this has to be built within ourselves as a foundation
for experiencing satisfying, emotionally close and thereby intimate
relationships in the future.
Again looking towards the future we explore the role of responsibility
for our self and extended towards others and when balanced and
equal then relationships are more flexible and able to adjust
to the natural stress which change creates as we progress through
Being single is an important time in our life because we need
always to invest in our own personal growth and build confidence
again our self. This does not involve or mean becoming stuck in
this stage and avoiding another relationship, no it is an important
personal stage in our own development.
By our working through the all important stages I have outlined
in this introductory summary you can build more meaningful relationships
for the future starting with your relationship with the real you.
Now you have the freedom to choose to be free and happy either
as a single person or in a future relationship because freedom
is being able to finally be yourself.
has shown that one to one online sessions offer many advantages
in comparison with face to face sessions and are as good if not
more effective than face to face sessions. Let us explore why.
. . . .
- Working on line with support from email contact, written and
audio materials and telephone or Skype one to one sessions offers
several advantages. We work together independently of where you
live so you are able to benefit from my experience regardless
of travel and location.
can work at your own pace and for people who travel on business
then we can carry on our work without interruption.
- Costs and time given how we eliminate my overheads and reduce
cost and travel for you isn't an issue so you can work from the
comfort of your home and be totally focused without stress of
day time appointments and travel to and from a consulting room.
- Working online provides special advantages. Some people find
it easier to discuss issues without another person physically
present and feel comfortable in our work together from the very
first of our sessions.
- Working with material between our sessions online or downloaded
to your computer enables you to work at your OWN PACE and, as
the same time, feel more engaged and committed when you can read,
re-read and listen to materials focusing on key areas of our work
together. Then, with email support many people I have worked with
report how they found it so much easier to express lengthy or
complex ideas via writing them in an email knowing that they had
the time to finish the thought, review and with time and space
to hear back from me.
the very act of writing about one's experiences can itself provide
positive keys and our exchange of emails creates both a written
form to reflect back on as well as the process of journalling
ones thoughts for future reflection.
also provides me, as the counsellor, with time to reflect on thoughts,
feelings and other reactions to what has been written and exchanged.
my thirty five year career, specialising in loss, transition and
change, I have worked with people as they journey through the
natural, but crucial, stages of recovery following the end of
an important relationship.
You now have an opportunity to benefit from these
powerful insights in a series of sessions that focus on 'Rebuilding
When a Relationship Ends' - and all from the comfort of your home.
our supportive work together, we will go through a multiple stage
process, tailor made to your specific needs. These one to one
sessions will help you break free of your old patterns in order
to build a solid foundation for strong relationships in the future.
As you know, after a relationship ends you can either grow from
the experience or endlessly repeat a destructive pattern. Our
work together will assist you in creating a new future, free from
the destructive habits of your past.
YOU ARE NOT ALONE
the source of your loss, our sessions and support emails, online
recordings and written materials will help you discover that your
feelings are entirely normal, natural and experienced by many
people. You are not alone.
During our telephone sessions, you will discover the key stages
of what happens to us after a relationship ends and how we work
together to successfully navigate such stages.
stages are composed of three modules with each module comprising
a series of all important stages as part of the rebuilding process.
When a client makes initial contact I share details of each of
the various stages so that we can decide where they are on the
all important rebuidling stages.
I work with you audio introduction and discussion with Steven
online sessions from the comfort of your home. I
have flexible hours to help suit your schedule with some evening
and weekend appointments available. Get the information and one
one one support you need without the high emotional and financial
cost of ending a relationship or, if you relationship has ended,
then the personal and financial cost of lengthy separation.
you are single or separated or thinking about ending your relationship
and want to learn to have better relationships, I can provide
the tools for rebuilding a life of freedom to decide what you
want in your future life either together with your partner or
as a single person.
Rebuilding When Your Relationship
Ends or is Ending
Recovering from the end of a relationship
is a powerful personal journey with one challenging step after
another. For most of us, it's a difficult journey - but the rewards
at the end are worth it!
Are you hurting? If you have recently ended or are considering
ending a relationship, you are. Those who appear not to hurt when
their relationships end have either already worked through a lot
of hurt, or have yet to feel the pain. So go ahead, acknowledge
that you're hurting. It's natural, expected, healthy, and even
okay to hurt. Pain is nature's way of telling us that something
in us needs to be healed, so let's get on with the healing.
There's an adjustment process after the ending of a relationship
- with a beginning, an end, and specific steps of learning along
the way. While you're feeling some of the pain, you're more anxious
to learn how to rebuild your future life. If you are like most
of us, you probably have had some destructive patterns of behaviour
for years - maybe since your childhood.
Change is hard work. While you were in a loving relationship you
might have been comfortable enough that you felt no need to change.
But now there is that pain. What do you do? Well, you can use
the pain as motivation to learn and to grow.
WE WORK TOGETHER
work with you in a number of ways:
via virtual online sessions either by phone or Skype. . .
which last for between one to one and a half hours
on a regular basis according to your needs which we establish
from our first exploratory online session (you will also complete
a detailed questionnaire before this session which will be sent
to you after you make initial contact.)
regular email support. . .
to continue progress and answer questions between
our sessions and a flexible session programme lasting from three
to six months or up to a year or more.
the focused use of online materials such
as written and audio recorded material
and video materials
are three key modules or important phases we will be working on
which I term:
or Phase One - Recovery
Module or Phase Two - Adjustment
Module or Phase Three - Freedom
RELATIONSHIP REVIEW AND REBUILDING
If you are in a relationship but reviewing with
your partner if it should end and both of you wish to explore
rebuilding as an alternative then I will work with you both on
such a goal.
WHEN A RELATIONSHIP HAS ENDED
is an example of one of the various rebuidling stages and I
have chosen the final stage FREEDOM to share on this initial
THREE FREEDOM TO BE YOU RE-BUILDING
STAGE - FIFTEEN
AND THE NEW RELATIONSHIP WITH ME
are now at the end of the rebuilding journey and we have arrived
By working with me through the rebuilding blocks you can now
build more meaningful relationships for the future. Why? Because
you have the FREEDOM to choose to either be free and happy
as a single person or enter into another relationship. Freedom
is being who you really are and living your life to the full.
people ask me about how the rebuilding stages relate to children.
The process of adjustment for children is very similar to
that for adults. The rebuilding stages apply to the children
(as they may to other relatives such as grandparents, aunts,
uncles, and close friends).
Many parents get so involved in trying to help their children
work through the adjustment process that they neglect to meet
their own needs.
If you're a parent who is embarking on the Rebuilding journey,
I recommend that you learn to take care of yourself and work
through the adjustment process. You will find that your children
will tend to adjust more easily as a result. The nicest thing
you can do for your child is to get your own act together.
Children tend to get hung up in the same rebuilding stages
as their parents, so by making progress yourself, you will
be helping your children, too.
have created special written and audio recording materials
if you wish to work with me in regard to you and your children.