R E B U I L D I N G   O N L I N E   C O U R S E

SECTION ONE - D E N I A L

 

In ending a relationship and exploring rebuidling their lives people are drawn from all backgrounds, some are male some female, some or older some are younger, some wealthy and I mention this because often people think that only those who are losers cannot maintain a relationship. Some people are ready for this first step whilst others are still shocked by what has happened and cannot think beyond the day before them. Many people in my groups told me how they were waiting for their ex partner to wake up, knock on the door and tell them that it had all been a nasty dream.

It is natural for you to feel confusuded and disorientated with even the simplest issue taking on untold demands and you are feeling so unlike the person you used to be. Many people tell me during this stage that 'I feel dumfounded. I honestly thought this would never happen to me.' Mary told us at our first group meeting how 'I cannot believe that my husband left me and is living with another woman for to me he will always be my husband no matter how much time passes because God made this marriage and only God can end it. I refuse to accept and begin rebuilding because we will be together for ever, even in heaven.'

In this initial stage you may be punishing yourself with statements like 'If only I had listened more; if only I hadn't been so angry' if only...if only and the list goes on. Through this relationship you have learned a great deal about life and about yourself and such insights are now a tangible part of who you are now and your awarness. Better to say 'I did the best I could with what I knew and what I had to work with and that is being who you really are.

For example it is common in my work to see how for many people they have not freed themselves from their parents influence and so do not have identities of their own and in ending a relationship they are rebelling against their parents.

Often we have an idealised image of what a relationship provides and for many it can be that it was to overcome loneliness; to escape an uhappy parental home; because they were expected to marry given the belief that single people are failures; out of the need to parent or be parented by another , and the old standby becase 'we fell in love'.

I talk of love later in another section of the online course but I just want to point out that there are many levels of love and ot all are matuer enough to provide a sound basis for getting married. Quite frequently we have an idealised image of the other person and so we fell in love with an image rather than the person. As the excitment passes we are disillusioned because that person is not living up thte image we have porjected on to them. Perhaps 'falling in love' is an attempt to fill some emptiness rather than creating a sound basis on which to build a long term relationship. The person is trying to beome a whole person and find happiness and in the marriage vows 'two people becoming one' it creates a false belief.

As Kilbran wrote in his book 'The Prophet' (1) and I have often quoted to clients as well as been invited to read at two wedding ceremonys

"Then Almitra spoke again and said, And what of Marriage, master?

And he answered saying:

You were born together, and together you shall be for evermore.
You shall be together when the white wings of death scatter your days.
Aye, you shall be together even in the silent memory of God.
But let there be spaces in your togetherness.
And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.

Love one another, but make not a bond of love;
Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.
Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup.
Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf>

Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone,
Even as the srongs of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.

Give your hearts, but not into each othrer's keeping.

For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.

And stand together yet not too near together:

For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and the crypress grow not in each other's shadow.

 

My recording for you to listen to is here.

When you are ready to face living alone and have found happiness as a single person, then you are ready to face life together with another person.

Take a look at your former relationship

Where you and your partner friends?
Did you confide in each other?
What interests did you share? Hobbies? Attitudes towards life? Politics? Religion or spiritual belief? Children?
Were your goals - for yourself, each other, the relationship - similar/compatible?
Did you agree on ways of solving problems between you (and here I mean not necessarily the solutions but the methods)?
When you were angry with each other, did oyu deal with it directly, or hide it, or simply try to hurt each other like immature frightened children?
Did you share friendships?
Did you go out together socially? Where you also engaged socially when your partner didn't have to be present or did you assume that you had to go out together or not at all?
Did you share responsibilities such as earning money and looking after the home together in a mutally agreed upon way?
Did you make major decisions jointly?
Did you allow each other time alone?
Did you trust each other?
Was the relationship important enough for each of you to make some personal sacrifices for it when necessary?

It is difficult to recognise shortcomings in the relationship and it is even more difficult and painful now to see that you were part of the problem given for many it is so easy to blame our partner or society, or.... but accepting at this tage is the positive side to the first rebuilding block called denial.

At this initial stage you need to work on improving your self concept and as you come closer to standing alone and realising how for a whole host of reasons we shall be working with your realtionship has come to an end you feel very real pain. Divorce and death of a partner are probably the two most painful expereinces you will feel in your life. We need to use our pain, to flow with the pain rather than deny it and to use it as motiviation to grow and make fundamental changes rather than stop this expereince which will result in our having wounds to our being that may never heal. Some use the pain as an excuse to remain bitter, angry, unhappy where others use the pain to grow and expand at so many levels at this point in their life. Which do you choose?

At this stage the goal is to learn to be happy as a single person before you look to becoming coupled again.

CHECKLIST we shall be working with in our discussion sessions.

1. I am able to accept that my relationship is ending.

2. I am conmfortable telling my friends and family that my relationship is endng.

3. I have begun to understand some of the reasons why my relationship did not work out, and this has helped me to overcome my feelings of denial.

4. I believe that even though divorce is painful it can be a positive and creative expereince for my future life.

5. I am ready to invest emotionally in my own personal growth in order to become the person I would like to be.

6. I want to learn to become happy as a single person before committing myself to another future relationship.

7. I will continue to invest in my own personal growth even if my former partner and I plan to get back together with each other.

 

 

References:

(1) Kahlil Gibran The Prophet

Amazon.co.uk under my account - put the link under that detail http://www.amazon.co.uk/Prophet-New-Annotated-Kahlil-Gibran/dp/1851689451/ref=sr_1_3?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1396300173&sr=1-3&keywords=The+Prophet

 

The steps of the adjustment process are arranged into a pyramid of "Rebuilding Blocks" to symbolize a mountain. Rebuilding means climbing that mountain, and for most of us it's a difficult journey. Let me assure you that the climb is worth it! The rewards at the top make the difficult and demanding climb worthwhile.

How long will it take to climb the mountain? Studies indicate that on the average it takes about a year to get up above the tree line (past the really painful, negative stages of the climb), longer to reach the top. Some people will make it in less time, others will take longer. Some research suggests that a few in the 'climbing party' will need as long as three to five years. Don't let that discourage you. Finishing the journey or natural adaptative process is what counts, not how long it takes. Just remember to progress at your own rate, and don't get upset if some going through the process appears to pass you along the way. Like life itself, the process of journeying and growing is the source of our greatest strength and benefit!

The rebuilding blocks are a guide and a map prepared by others who have already travelled such a path. As you journey, you'll discover that tremendous personal growth is possible, despite the emotional trauma you've experienced from the ending of your relationship.

Beginning at the bottom, we find denial and fear, two painful stumbling blocks that come early in the process of adjustment. They can be overwhelming feelings, and may make you reluctant to begin the journey.

To learn more about how I can work with you please make initial email contact steven@stevenwarren.co.uk